Thoughts on my Birthday

I’m marking my 66th solar return today, since I turn 67. As most people do around my age, I wonder how I got here and lament the fast passing of time. And though I have the creaks and sometimes groans of a well lived physical life, my heart has always felt like that of a youngster. Though I have not written on this blog about the Covid-19 situation in the world, it certainly has impacted me, these last several months, but more on an emotional level. I live in a place far removed from hot spots and I have been cautious and respectful of the tenacity and contagion of the virus. Back in March, i had planned a three week pet sit to a lovely Mexican city I spent four months in a few years ago. Of course it was a no go. I changed my flight to get to a Shamanic Reiki event I was planning to attend in early August off the Washington state coast. Well, it was also cancelled. All this keeping me home, with an eye on the news of the coronavirus, nailed my wandering feet to the ground on the farm. Not that I don’t love this place I have lived on the last 20 years, and the lifestyle with which it has blessed me, but I have always known home is really where I am, and I long to see home from the perspective of many different places. I have often thought I might need an airstream w/ a placard saying, “WisdomWays Nomadic Reiki.” Every destination an option, every spot home for awhile.

Aging has made me want to lighten my load of stuff, and get rid of outdated belief systems and expectations. Change is not the scary piece for me. Restriction of movement, any tether to my freedom to choose or change, is where my resistance exists. I have been accused of “never being satisfied”, and perhaps that is a bit true. I do look closely at that, yet feel my need is really not about dissatisfaction, but more about curiosity and desire. No need to judge what is an integral truth. Most of my traveling has been solo. That is the way I like it. There is authentic freedom. I have been called “selfish”, and maybe that is so. And I have come to accept that word as positive in my vocabulary as meaning “I love myself”. The Virgo in me tends to cater to the needs of others when they are present. “What do they need?”, “What do they want to do?”, “Are they tired, hungry, bored?”… and giving those thoughts and feelings precedence over my own. When I am on my own, living life is quite different. I decide how I feel that moment, where I want to go, or stay, when to eat, sleep, and no one is second guessing my decisions about the length of the drive, difficulty of the hike, or generally questioning my plans. I trust myself. Immersion into the chosen experience (whatever it is) is all that is called for. When I am in this scenario, my senses are heightened to all the diversity and beauty everywhere with the freedom to just “listen” to my intuition without distraction, and take it in.

Add Covid to all the ways I feel on this birthday, and I realize I have taken on some of the collective anxiety, though I meditate on this time in the world, with its great potential for a much needed awakening. People are suffering, so many lives lost on our earth. We are faced more now perhaps with questions of our mortality. As I move toward 70, I can say honestly, I am not fearful of my own death, but (and a big one) there is much more I want to do, places I want to see, experiences to have, before that next great adventure waiting on the other side of this incarnation. After spending four months in stunning New Zealand winter before last, I wondered if going there, my number one bucket list item, would change me. Nope. It actually made we want to do more. I consciously chose to stay put for more than a full year, calling it my sacred winter of wisdom in West Virginia. There had many when I was still Montessori guide and committed to that work. Those years had me longing to explore the world, when I was done. During this year, I devoted time to making my business successful in the close by town, renting an office space, creating the literature, promoting my Reiki practice. I felt some good movement toward interest, saw clients, and then in March it all shut down. The time, for me, has felt “chosen” to give the space needed to discern a deeper clarity concerning my soul’s work and the callings of my heart. There has been a distance created from those that might have been advisors, or in different times, where I might have sought engagement with others, and did not. It is far easier to look for ways to help, rather than looking in the mirror.

Courage feels to be the lesson. And it takes many forms. Communing with this place I have lived and loved has been a daily practice. My night dreams have offered some awareness that I likely was consciously avoiding. Seldom have I felt such “dark night of the soul” experiences show up and kick around for days or weeks at the time, over this past year. Confusion has been rampant at moments. I acknowledge when we are trying to figure it all out mentally, and not allowing ourselves to feel what we feel, overwhelm can take charge. I DO have resources though, and I have learned to “ let go”, though the struggle feels righteous and real. Calling in the elemental spirits, source energies, and the Light ( with a capital “L”), doing the solitary ritual work, releasing myself from attachments I thought were long ago over and done with, drumming and singing , working with stones, has been my task. I have been attentive. Looking at my astrology and that of the times, traveling the medicine wheel, using cards, and other tools with which I am familiar has supported the process. Add this 67th year, numerologically, 6+7=13, 1+3 =4, with 08+25+1953= 6, my life path number, and you get the stability and practicality of 4 with the healing, unconditional love, and nurturing energy of Gaia of 6, and you get 4+6=10, 1+0=1. One is the number of breaking ground, momentum, independence, and embracing new beginnings.

So here I sit on my birthday, alone with chickens, dogs, and cats around me, sorting through the experiences of a truly paradoxical year of everything changing, and everything remaining the same. As a lightworker, I know no matter what unfolds, I am called to honor that path, always wherever I go, whoever I am with. And I trust the guidance that shows up. Think I will go catch my good mare and go for a ride under the cloud filled sky, beneath the trees, by the water, with the breeze moving all around. That always opens up the channels to spirit. And I feel there is a shining path ahead, and I plan to take it.