Observations over my early morning coffee, walking the rocky paths, taking in the scenic panorama of mountains, trees, and water, or of people I see, (though right now, many less than I might have imagined) are waiting in me to be put to paper. Messages, stories, new ideas just connecting with each other will be shared. The way a spiritual practice remains the same and changes because of landscape, dreams (night and day), accepting loss and embracing aloneness, birds, flowers, and natural history of Michoacan, love for these stone walls, the shift in the surrounding energies …there is so much to explore and express. But I feel the need to write today about the essence of what brought me here, a more practical look back and ahead, perhaps.
This last chapter all began in October. The push/pull of conflicting feelings concerning what I was doing in my life has been there for many years. It had begun to feel more crucial over the last decade. Over time it influenced me in multiple ways, both positively and negatively. Eventually, it sent me out to travel, and I returned to reassess, each time. The freedom of solo travel offered adventure and direction. I relished it. Yet once home, I wondered was I living the dream, or was the dream living me? My dreams were changing. Yet, I threw myself into work, “searching, fixing, doing”, often enjoyable, occasionally driven, but honestly feeling more like it all was a distraction from core issues. Yes, there were rewards, though seldom long lasting. I am good at making things happen, good at achieving goals.
There is no judgement here. I have shared my life with a good man. We have been an unbeatable team of getting things done, a rock of support for one another, good together on the dance floor or in the saddle heading down the trail. Yet, we had been approaching a crossroads for awhile. Life changes. People change. Conscious relationship is the way we learn about ourselves, a crucible like no other. Allowing for and welcoming change is necessary, or viability is lost, even as love remains. I found ways to bring joy and beauty into everyday living, although sometimes feeling I compromised myself. The struggle and second guessing was real. I wanted a clear solution, but of course, there is no such a thing. I followed my spiritual practice…continued letting go of having to have an answer, continued coming to live more fully in honest gratitude, more committed to the present, without taking on the emotions of others so readily. Seeing it all as beautiful, facilitated growth. My heart and my soulspirit grew stronger. One day, while working outside on a brilliant autumn day, I felt a “knowing” come to me. I waited a couple of days before saying it aloud. But the knowledge stayed strong and felt real, “It is time to go back to Mexico, to stay. You have work to do there.” Choosing to trust such a message, was certainly not easy, as so much would be set into motion by that decision. Over the next three months I learned much about what matters, what the heart knows, and feel an enormous, deep appreciation of the twenty years of experiences that brought me to the place I am now. It has all been done in beauty, allowing the needed process of shedding and letting go, to begin.
After so much movement to get the farm empty of most animals, furniture, boxes of memorabilia, the house prepared and ready to sell, then the whirlwind of travel with my two pups, down to and through Mexico toward my temporary stopping place, there is finally the beauty of stillness. For a moment there was just relief, a deep breathe, exhaled. Then, the natural end of that big energy in motion, for the several months, came to a silent screeching stop. Emotions, put quietly behind in the caboose for safe keeping, caught up with the engine, deciding they would now be seen and heard. I welcomed them, giving all time and voice. Necessary to the work of “living real’, but certainly not always comfortable. Seeking meaning is not always the comfortable path.
I can hear and see at a distance, a lively life here in Tzintzuntzan. But I now sit up on the hillside, looking out on the lovely view, in solitude. That has been a wish for me, and I have it. Having always said I thrive on change and challenge, here is a true test. This is not the same place I came to twice, three years ago. It is not the same world. I have had a few days of interaction, always with precaution. The first was my arrival date, to meet my friend for the keys, open the Casa Eclipse, and collect a few food supplies at a small tienda. Later in the week I got the keys to my storage unit, and visited the phone store to get my Mexican phone number, followed by another visit to procure food for my pantry. Though I have run out of several things, I am waiting until Monday to resupply. That will put me 14 days in country, and I have an appointment that morning, so just like in West Virginia, doing all I can to consolidate visits to town. Finally, I did take a hike with a small group, being fully conscientious. Mentally, I needed to feel some connection to the world/life I chose, and to support myself emotionally,(and my dogs sorely needed a romp with other canines). Just 4 miles w/others out on a path through fields and trees, really helped me make a step forward and away from the anxiety that had crept in. Beauty brought me back to myself, again.
There has been an interesting balance of beauty and joy with challenge and frustration. My ineptness with the language, and inability to “take care of necessary business” online, something always taken for granted, has become at times unnavigatable. No tech whiz, but I have become a good troubleshooter over the years, and a bulldog of persistence. When, here in Mexico three years ago, I did not experience these issues, no figuring “why”out, so it’s again a matter of letting go of what you thought you knew, and being alright. Celebrating the small victories when they happen, and making sure to get a big dose of beauty in nature, whether for a big hike, a leisurely stroll, or working on the patio sustains me while adjusting to any uncertainty. I lean further into new and different ways of being in the world. Fortunately, I do know someone willing to help me sort things, as others I know would also be, if I did reach out. Yet, I bump up against an ego issue I carry still. My strong need to be self sufficient, independent, and not needing help can turn inward into self doubt and feeling a bother to others. I love to help, guide, work through problems with others, but have a hard time asking for or receiving. Aging has softened this in me, but it has not gone away…work to do, always. I do need help. I am brave enough to ask for it. The practice never ends. There is beauty in truthfulness.
As I address this and other inner issues, I welcome guidance asking for greater awareness with each breath, every step, and in all situations. I also equally feel open to what happens next, not knowing what that might be. Most questions can be easily answered by an honest, “I don’t know.” So much freedom in that response. Too much emphasis is placed on answers, throughout our lives, but Rilke, in Letters to a Young Poet, offers meaningful advice when he writes,
“…And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now, and perhaps someday, far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.”
Before undertaking this huge solo life change, I just went with trusting my “knowing”, to go ahead and walk toward it without expectation. I felt my way through, opened up my heart and mind to the process, and let spirit lead the way. This is where I continue to walk. All is done in beauty.
The well known Navajo closing prayer from the Blessing Ceremony just came through, I guess no surprise, and wants sharing here. Sometimes I sing a shortened version of it when I am with clients, or in my own morning prayers. Here it is.
“In beauty I walk
With beauty before me I walk,
With beauty behind me I walk
With beauty above me I walk
With beauty around me i walk
It has become beauty again.
Today I will walk out today, everything unnecessary will leave me
I will be as I was before, I will have a cool breeze over my body.
I will have a light body, I will be happy forever, nothing will hinder me.
I walk with beauty before me. I walk with beauty behind me.
I walk with beauty below me. I walk with beauty above me.
I walk with beauty around me. My words will be beautiful.
In beauty all day long may I walk. Through the returning seasons may I walk.
On the trail marked with pollen may I walk.
With dew about my feet may I walk.
With beauty before me may I walk.
With beauty behind me may I walk.
With beauty below me may I walk.
With beauty above me may I walk.
With beauty all around me may I walk.
In old age wandering on a trail of beauty, lively, may I walk.
In old age wandering on a trail of beauty, living again, may I walk.
My words will be beautiful.
All is completed in beauty.
